#28 Authenticity vs. Oversharing
It's not my job to convince anyone that I'm worthy of their time.
When it comes to sharing parts of myself, I don’t hold back. As opposed to what I was like when I was younger, my filter’s system has appeared to decline as I’ve grown older. ‘Take or leave me as I am’, is my mantra these days. My open book way of being allows me to show up as authentically as I like but with it comes its own set of cons. Trying to strike the balance between being real but not oversharing is tricky for me.
Being an addict in recovery, I’ve learnt quickly that some people just can’t handle this information. The word “addict” still carries stigmas that are so internalised within society that trying to convince others that I’m really just like them (if not more refined and in touch with myself, to be honest) is a struggle, one that I usually take on myself to prove. In this time of online dating, which I absolutely loathe but feel is necessary because how do I actually meet people in real life, but the amount of time I’ve experienced ghosting after sharing these intimate details of my life with men are countless.
I’ve figured out (the hard way) that it’s not necessary for me to lay all my baggage on the table when I first start speaking to someone. Sure, if they ask me a question that’s directly related to my recovery such as my activities for the evening, I’ll tell them that I’m attending a Narcotics/Alcohol Anonymous meeting. Unprompted, however, I hold back. I remind myself that not everyone is as open-minded as I am and baring too much too soon can scare away those who just aren’t ready for it.
“If you’d rather be chill about your booze-free life on your profile, but still want to discuss it before meeting IRL, you can tell your date at the DM or FaceTime stage. Once you’ve bonded over shared interests and some trust is established, it may be more comfortable sharing that you don’t drink alcohol. Bonus Perk: Letting the cat out of the bag before committing to an in-person date helps you suss out if they’re bothered by your sobriety.”
What I really need to do though is examine the reason I want to bare all. Being as horrifically self-deprecating as I can be, sometimes my motives for sharing aren’t pure. As mentioned in a previous Substack of mine, I’d rather proceed with airing all the negative things about myself to a stranger so that I’m in control of the way I’m perceived, so that they don’t reject me at a further stage. But is that authenticity? No. Authenticity would involve me also highlighting about the positive aspects of me from the get-go. This doesn’t mean I have to list all my positive attributes in an essay, but rather show the person through being attentive, kind and warm in my actions. If they don’t have the patience to stick around to experience me in all my glory, I can tell myself that that’s on them. And a person who can so easily throw away a connection that they haven’t given a chance to develop says more about them than me.
According to Forbes, “Authentic people build relationships first. Over-sharers blurt out personal information in an attempt to gain a sense of intimacy, without building trust.” This is information that hit me like a ton of bricks, and shows how worried I am about rushing through the process of relationships due to an irrational fear of being alone forever. My forwardness is something that I like to use in an attempt to take control of the situation, instead of trusting that things will work out if it’s meant to be. But my innate false beliefs tell me that I need to capture the attention of someone I’m interested in from the first moment, meaning I reveal aspects of myself that they don’t actually deserve to experience from the second we connect, without the trust that’s needed to prove that I’m in a safe space to do so.
This is self-destruction at its very best. The rejection that comes with ghosting once I’ve shared deeply personal aspects of myself sets the precedent that I’ve been rejected for who I am since I’ve painted what feels like a very realistic picture of that from the very start. I tell myself that they’ve left because of my undesirable qualities, instead of the truth: I’ve shared too much when the person wasn’t ready for it. Instead of showing them through connection that’s built over time, I’ve told them in a way that frightens them and tells them that I’m too much.
What I fail to see is that I’m not being rejected for who I am but rather what I’m perceived to be: an addict who comes with far too much baggage. I know deep down that I’m far more than that and if I’m being honest, I know that the person I end up with will be lucky to have me. I need to slow down and trust the process and not force things by going 0 to 100 in 3.2 seconds. It’s hard but it’s what needs to be done, as long as it might take.
Authenticity does not equate to oversharing. I don’t owe anyone anything and I don’t need to convince them that I’m worthy of their time. Those meant for me will stick around and have the patience to find out for themselves. It is not up to me to force them to do so by forcing intimacy in an attempt to feel connection.
Really felt this one friend. Similar to Victoria, something I needed to hear :)
I really relate to this! I often think sharing is a shortcut to creating intimacy, so this gave me food for thought, thank you 😊